I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
