When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
