watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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