Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
