What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
