Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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