He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Randomize
