I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
