hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
