My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
