she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
did you just send me my own nude
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
