The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
