It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
