my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
