Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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