it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
