Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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