You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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