There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
