I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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