He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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