We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
