If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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