SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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