I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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