i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
