I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
