we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
