I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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