i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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