I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
