I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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