I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I want to make a zoo with you.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
