Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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