Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
