i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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