do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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