The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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