Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
