now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
