I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
