Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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