just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
