i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
