I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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