you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
