what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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