pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
