I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
