that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
