Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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