I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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