Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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