Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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