I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
