Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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