Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize